The Cynical Life

It's going go be the future soon...

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 02:48:01 -0600

It’s weird how, the older I get, the more the future changes from a hope to a threat.

"Guns Are The Answer!" Said no Scientist Ever

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 11:24:33 -0600

"Guns Are The Answer!" Said no Scientist Ever:

Nothing brings back the thrill of the Middle Ages quite like a powerful group of rich, ignorant people stifling science and the betterment of life using threats, money, misinformation and blind idealism.

Maybe guns are the answer, but until you let scientists look into it correctly and without bias, all we have is the unchecked opinion of a gun marketing company whose only interest is money and propagating their beliefs at any cost.

Oh, Conundrums.

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 10:47:01 -0600

That being said,
I really miss Tumblr. It’s so effortless, so unpretentious. I go to Wordpress, and it’s all like, “What brilliant semi-professional quasi-novels full of life, hope and justice are you going to create and share with maybe 1.4 people?” And then I get kind of depressed because writing 8 page rants in an online diary is lame, and so I just save everything to draft and never share links with anybody.

Then I go to Tumblr, full of its hipster photos of people’s pets and dinners, hilarious reposts of GIFs, and meaningful photo blurbs probably about politics, and it’s like, “Hey man. You should do something. Or not. It’s whatever. <3”

And then I don’t write in either of them, because I feel the guilt of blog abandonment.

Plus, I’d like to rename this one. But I can’t. And that’s lame.

Sigh.

lonelyearring: “Oceania” I would give someone money to recreate...

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 09:53:06 -0600

lonelyearring:

“Oceania”

I would give someone money to recreate the partner to this guy.

(If you know anybody who’d be willing to try, let me know.)

What I need is a jewelry maker person who’d be willing to try to reconstruct a mate for this earring. It’s obviously handmade, and the stones aren’t uncommon, but I have no skill for such matters and I’d love to pay someone to attempt to replicate it. Know anybody?

Wags the Puppy finds some new writing material

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 01:11:25 -0500

I really don’t know how to respond when people ask me to illustrate puppy dog books/any children’s book “based on a true story” involving someone’s horribly interesting pet who did something noble once. You see them in the grocery store, next to the Ladies Club cookbooks and Tabloids at the check out counter: Local author! “Fluffy Finds A Home!” “A Home For Rags” “Slobbers The Happy Puppy Gets Adopted By An Old Lady!” And the title is probably in Papyrus and the illustrations are probably done in colored pencil or a pirated version of Paint Shop Pro. The target market?
Grandmas. Probably the grandmas of the author and the illustrator, as that will be who actually spends $10 on another moralistic story about a dog who, despite being nauseatingly cute, can’t seem to ever find an effing place to live.

And I don’t wan’t to be that illustrator. I want the experience, but I want the story to be clever and the subject matter fresh. Basically, something people won’t immediately classify as a “hobbyist mom book that won’t make it past the bubble gum rack at Leekers Family Foods.”

People, no more lost puppies. Instead, think about the Stinky Cheese Man or something equally clever. Has anyone written about Abraham Lincoln as a futuristic crime fighter lately? When was the last time you read your kids a book about the quetzal, native bird of the amazon and avid pencil collector? Help a budding illustrator out and make your subject matter worth everyone’s time.

…Sigh. Ungrateful much?

I started interning as an illustrator at TfL in February and to say that I’ve grown would be...

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 08:55:51 -0500

I started interning as an illustrator at TfL in February and to say that I’ve grown would be an understatement. The design/ad world is dog-eat-dog. Clients are mean, coworkers are impatient, it’s always go go go. But at TfL, there is no client, no boss, no deadline. If Buddha had a job, this would be it. I’ve seen the best of human nature every time I open the doors; people striving to serve one another, and not for a paycheck, but because they honestly care. They want to see you shine and they

Don’t know where this came from, but it’s like...

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 23:49:37 -0500

Don’t know where this came from, but it’s like someone’s been spying on me and writing down all my social preferences. There’s not a single thing on here that isn’t true for my life.

Won’t You Be My (Passive Aggressive) NeighborOnce upon a...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 09:43:00 -0500

Won’t You Be My (Passive Aggressive) Neighbor

Once upon a time normal people lived across the street and their front yard looked like this. However, for the past 2 years, they’ve decided to keep that part of their yard covered in ripped up black tarp, held down with bricks. At first I thought it was to protect precious Amazonian orchids, but now I’m starting to think that this is a lazy, ugly way to keep from mowing it. Either way it looks like rubbish, and the next big windstorm I’m going to go out in the middle of the night and steal all their tarps and put their bricks in my garden. Oh that Kansas wind!

That is all.

Draw Something. But maybe not this. What the what?

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:47:24 -0500

Draw Something. But maybe not this.
What the what?

Operation: Cat Scratch Fever has commenced! The cat has formed...

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:46:34 -0500

Operation: Cat Scratch Fever has commenced!

The cat has formed a little trick, as most cats do, to get us out of bed and make us do things for her (specifically, letting her outside.) Initially she would just yowl at us at about 7:50, but when that stopped working, she began scratching the bed. She knows she’s absolutely not allowed to scratch anything except the stair carpet, and when she attempts it, we immediately get up and open the stairway door so she can. However, recently she’s started scratching the bed skirt when the door’s been open, so we know she’s just wanting us to move.

Of course, she’s also realized that she can do this even earlier than we wake up, and we’ll let her out to shut her up, so it’s gone from 7:50…7:30….6:45…and Dan finally had enough.

Via someecardsIt sucks so much that this is true.

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 09:11:06 -0600

Via someecards

It sucks so much that this is true.

I'm Watching You, Mr. Anderson...

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:12:07 -0600

It’s been really bizarre. An art director at the agency that didn’t hire me last spring has been keeping tabs on me all year, meeting with my supervisor at my freelance temp job (his agency does work for us) and apparently complimenting me a great deal. Next Monday I’ve learned that I’m having lunch with him, my supervisor and current art director. I’m just not sure what to think about all of this.

I Promise Nothing

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 13:49:00 -0600

I don’t do resolutions, but I have noticed some things in my life that could use some alteration. Of course, I promise nothing, but it’s nice to think about trying.

Stop with the soda. I quit drinking pop in college and that was a good idea that lasted about 5 years. Even though I stopped, I proved to myself that I can do it, so why the heck not try it again? I don’t need that crap, really.
Chew my food. There’s a buttload of research somewhere that says that if you eat slowly, a lot of good things happen. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten a reputation for wolfing things down to the point that I simply don’t chew things, which is…sort of retarded.
No S Diet. This didn’t work well the first time I tried it because boxes of chocolates are good. This won’t work this time because I still have zero resolve. So why do it? Because I still think it’s the most logical thing I’ve ever heard of and I like setting idealist goals for myself just in case I surprise myself and actually achieve them.
Exercise. Period. Not 3 times a week (although that’d be nice), not a 5K, not 30 crunches a night. Just exercise at some point every week. If I can do something that clearly qualifies as putting effort towards exercising, I’m still better off than I was last year.
One fancy coffee a month. This isn’t a big deal. I can’t afford Starbucks half the time anyway. But I like having a limit.

I’m sure there are tons of other things I could be doing to improve myself, but as a Pessimist, this is the best I can do for the moment. And hey, I just did 30 crunches! How about that?

Dream dream dream...

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:21:18 -0600

The other night I was apparently making a lot of noise in my sleep, so Dan rolls over…
Dan: Everything ok, hon?
Me: *sitting up* Oh, I’m just dreaming about Batman.
Dan: Oh…ok then.
Me: Zzzzzzzzz

I have absolutely no recollection of this conversation or dreaming about Batman. This is, however, my new favorite incoherent me-quote.

I’ve gone through and unsubscribed to just about...

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:37:13 -0600

I’ve gone through and unsubscribed to just about everyone’s comments, likes and mundane facebook activities that Facebook assumes we want to read about in that annoying little scrolling side panel. Why? Because I don’t want to know about this stuff. I just don’t.

A Call to Paperback Exchange

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:23:00 -0600

Me: Hi, do you have any Shel Silverstein books?
Lady: I'm not familiar...what did he write?
Me: Um...his most famous titles are "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and "A Light in the Attic."
Lady: So that's probably self-help, right?

<3

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:15:11 -0600

They say famous people die in threes, so it only makes sense that my family, which is anything but...

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:13:39 -0600

They say famous people die in threes, so it only makes sense that my family, which is anything but famous, dies in twos.

Last year, it was my grandpa of a long illness and my aunt unexpectedly and far too young. This year it’s my great aunt of illness and my uncle unexpectedly and too young tonight. Most people my age don’t seem to be having this problem, do they? Am I the only one going to an extraordinary amount of funerals at 26?
I just don’t get it.

The Dirtiest Housewife on the Street

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 16:45:00 -0500

I feel disgusting. We splurged for a $50 dealsaver coupon for a maid service, and like some kind of nightmare, the maids called me and told me they wouldn’t clean our apartment. It’s too small and cluttered, they said. It needs a deep cleaning, which would be an extra $170, they said.

And I feel gross and humiliated.

I’m not a hoarder, but I don’t dust or sweep on a…any kind of basis either. It’s not a habit I’ve ever had. At the same time, I don’t have trash piled up and rats and bugs, either. But when these paid professionals won’t clean my house, what am I supposed to think?

Well, first of all, I think they’re pansies. They’re why no one pays me to clean houses. As someone who’s never really had to clean anything in her life, I simply don’t have the stomach for it, and apparently neither do they. I suppose that’s their prerogative with these coupons, though. It doesn’t state anywhere on the coupon what a basic cleaning is or what they’re limited to; only that it’s up to 3500 sq. ft and they don’t do holiday cleaning. As I do not come from a family that regularly hires maids (although my mom said she did have a cleaning lady when she and dad first got married), I don’t really know what they do.
I guess I do now, though.

They don’t clean houses like mine. At least, not without $170 extra dollars.

So go back to your beige, perfect suburbs, skinny white girls with your all natural cleaning products. Feed on the light dust and unnoticeable smudges of the upper middle class who need a break from the maid they pay $200 a day to do your job. I’ll clean my house with or without $50.

Moral: Don’t be a lazy-arse and don’t buy maid coupons aimed at people whose houses aren’t actually dirty.

The end.

This makes my friggin’ month. I am 112 out of 24,086....

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:37:00 -0500

This makes my friggin’ month. I am 112 out of 24,086.
Jealous? :D